I have discovered that I am grieving the freedom of boarding a train and ending up downtown. It had been part of the dowry from my marriage to Jim three years ago.
He gave me a way to see my life in this city. He gave me something I had lost when I used to count on my car to get me wherever I wanted to go.
With retirement I parked my car in front of our house and moved it less and less. I did not want to find parking places although I could and did when Jim and I went into neighborhoods where church services and movie theatres and eateries beckoned.
When Jim suggested turning his car in to a dealer and consolidating our transportation needs, the logic had made sense. Why did we need two cars?
I found I liked sitting with commuters whose languages challenged me. I wanted to see how people travelled when they had to travel this way. When I waited on station platforms in the cold, I thanked God that I could breathe in the air and know the neighborhood where my trip would end.
I appreciated the occasional offers of a place to sit on a train. I appreciated as well the sense that I could join lots of people who had to hang on to a strap to keep their balance when trains started and stopped.
I have learned that so much of my life lies before me. There is so much I didn’t know I didn’t know about the city in which I live. My life before Jim has come to seem so protected. My life with him is a choice I am glad I made.